Most of us walk into a meeting knowing exactly what we want. We want the budget approved, the deadline moved, the new hire to stop sending one-line emails. What we rarely prepare is the other side of the equation: what does the person across the table get out of saying yes? We call that question WIFThem, short for "What's in it for them?", and it may be the most useful habit a cross-generational leader can build.
From WIIFM to WIFThem
Sales trainers have long taught WIIFM, "What's in it for me?", as the question every listener is silently asking. WIFThem turns the responsibility back onto the speaker. Before you pitch, request or give feedback, you pause and answer that silent question on the other person's behalf. It sounds obvious. In practice, under pressure, almost everyone forgets.
The generational mix makes the habit more important. A senior leader may be motivated by stability, legacy and protecting what they have built. A younger colleague may care more about learning, flexibility and visible progress. The same request, framed the same way, will land very differently with each of them. "We need this report by Friday" means one thing to someone who prizes reliability and another to someone wondering whether the report will ever be read.
What it sounds like in practice
Compare two ways of asking a junior colleague to take on a client call.
- Without WIFThem: "I need you to cover the client call on Thursday, I'm double-booked."
- With WIFThem: "Thursday's client call is a good chance to get in front of a senior buyer and own the relationship. I would like you to lead it, and I will back you up in the debrief."
The task is identical. The second version answers the question the colleague would never ask out loud: why should I care? Notice too that it is honest. WIFThem is not spin. If there is genuinely nothing in it for the other person, the framework forces you to admit that and either improve the offer or simply be straight about the favor you are asking.
The same approach works upward and outward. When you pitch an idea to senior leadership, lead with the risk it reduces or the goal it advances for them. When you speak to a mixed audience, you may need several answers at once, one for each generation in the room, a challenge we cover in presenting to four generations.
Learning from the casino host
If you want to see WIFThem practiced at a professional level, watch a good casino host in Las Vegas. Their job is to know what each guest values and to deliver it before being asked. One regular cares about a particular restaurant table, another about show tickets for their partner, another simply about being greeted by name at the door. The host's notes are a living record of what is in it for each person, and the loyalty that follows is earned through attention rather than slogans. We look at that model in more depth in our article on casino loyalty programs and engagement. For managers the lesson is simple: remember what matters to each person, and show that you remember.
The exercise: the WIFThem worksheet
Before your next important conversation, take a sheet of paper and copy the left column of this table. Fill in your own answers; the example shows a manager asking a senior engineer to mentor a graduate.
| Prompt | Example answer |
|---|---|
| What do I want from this conversation? | Two hours a week of mentoring for our new graduate |
| What does the other person care about most right now? | Being seen as a technical authority; less firefighting |
| What do they gain if they say yes? | Visible leadership experience and a second pair of hands within months |
| What might they fear losing? | Focus time on their own projects |
| How can I open with their gain? | "You are the person people already learn from. I want to make that official and protect your time." |
Then follow these steps:
- Write your opening sentence twice: once from your perspective, once from theirs.
- Read both out loud and notice which one you would rather hear.
- Check the honesty of the second version and remove anything you cannot back up.
- After the conversation, note how they responded and what you learned about their interests for next time.
WIFThem in feedback
Feedback is where this habit pays off most. Criticism framed around your frustration invites defensiveness. Criticism framed around the other person's goals invites curiosity. "Your reports are late" becomes "You told me you want to be considered for the team lead role, and reliable deadlines are one of the first things the panel will look at." Same message, different door.
People rarely resist good ideas. They resist ideas that seem to have nothing to do with them.
